Jokes

The title to this topic explains it all. You can put a written joke or a link to a funny video of some sort, although keep it PG. I'll go first;

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink? The bartender says "For you, no charge"!

And this video;

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ur9b5Rf2afw

Although you should skip to the 5:00 minute mark.

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Mario always ends up at a nice cloudy looking warp zone in Super Mario Bros 3 whenever he plays the warp whistle correctly. What would happen if he played it like a klutz? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxa_k6rRMIM

The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve time-travellers here."

A time-traveller walks into a bar.

Now this clip speaks for itself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6rKRQAyAUk

Science oriented users will actually laugh at this joke

I like this bar joke. You can use any name you want:

"David Hasselhoff walks into a bar...................... every morning, and then he stays there until it closes."

• (Gilbert Gottfried)

Dying Request

An elderly man returned from the doctors appointment after finding out he didn't have long to live. He summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

His Doctor, His Priest and His Lawyer

"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave to be buried with me" Not long after this he dies. The three people he gave the money to meet after the funeral The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two breaking your promise to him like that. I did the right thing ! I wrote a check and threw in the whole amount"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLxmmxcy8-Q

Poor "noble" Link just got killed by a "foul beast"

Why did the tomato blush? :oops:

Because it saw the salad dressing!

I just read these, so I had to 'Ketchup'. I like these pathetic jokes. I really do 'Relish' them. They don't all cut the 'Mustard'. Since I replied I need to come up with one myself, so I'm in a bit of a 'Pickle'.

Knock Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's cold out here!

:mrgreen: (I almost made a hamburger there!) :mrgreen:

I apologize for that, and the Pun Police should be notified, but that last one made me hungry. Hungry for jokes that is!... ( That was the final straw. Now the Joke Police, a larger division that oversees the Pun Police, are knocking at my door. Who's there! )

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg you, bring him back." Right then a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says "Excuse me, but, he had a hat!"

Have you heard of the Vodka diet? You can lose 3 days in one week!

What happened to the apple pie thief?

...he got taken into custardy :D

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The son is at the shop and the mom is at home. The son telephones to his mom:

-Son: mom, where are you??

-Mom: I’m at home after doing some shopping, i seem to have forgotten something but I don’t know what??

-Son: Yeah me

-Mom: OH SHIT.

Anti-theism joke:

Prayer. How to do nothing and still think you are helping.

Sand.

(thats the joke it was funny to the third graders when I was 9 anyway)

Why did the lucid dreamer cross the road?

Because the other five times he tried he didn't make it. :lol:

Did you hear about the great performing duo, Lou and Sid? They perform lucid dreaming for a cheering crowd.

They are so good they can do it with their eyes closed! ;)

HAGART wrote: Did you hear about the great performing duo, Lou and Sid? They perform lucid dreaming for a cheering crowd.

They are so good they can do it with their eyes closed! ;)

:lol: nice.

Here, you wanna join the Pen club? I'll be PEN7 and you can be PEN15. And all of the members of the Pen club with numbers over 10 get to live on PEN ISLAND when they grow up.

Sorry, I've had that one in me for like, 4 years. I had to get it out. :lol:

HEY MAN, YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE A THIRSTY MAN, I WILL GIVE YOU A PUNCH IF YOU CONTINUE LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT

JDude wrote: Sorry, I've had that one in me for like, 4 years. I had to get it out. :lol:

I know the feeling.

I used to be a pianist but the flowers never looked right, so I bought an organ and have tulips on it. :D

A lucid dreamer, who's obsessed with lucid dream sex, goes to a psychiatrist. They lay down on the couch and the doctor commences a Rorschach Test. The Dr. shows an ink-blot photo of what appears to be a butterfly and asks the lucid dreamer what it reminds them of. They think long and hard and finally say, "Sex". The Dr. reveals another that seems to be a banana and questions the patient what it reminds them of and again they ponder for a bit and say, "Sex". The psychiatrist then holds up another black and white photo that looks like HAGART. "What does this remind you of?!", the shrink yells. The lucid dreamer calmly replies, "Sex".

Frustrated, the psychiatrist, having made a diagnosis, takes his glasses off, and rubbing his eyes, sighs and explains, "I think you have an obsession with sex."

The lucid dreamer objects, "What do you mean I have the problem? You're the one showing all the dirty pictures!"

This is a joke from the Simpsons

Marge: Oh how sweet you two kitties are in love. (Scratchy and Snowball II are looking at each other with hearts over their heads) Marge then looks at scratchy, "But you know that means you will have to be neutered!"

Scratchy is then screaming.

Man goes to the Yogi and asks for the levels of human awareness to be revealed to him. The yogi says, " vivid dream-aware, lucid dream-semi aware, astral projection-fully aware, normal dream - underware".

QUESTION: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

BEST ANSWER:* I don't know and I don't care. *

If you were wondering what the flavour of glass is, I tried eating a piece. It tastes like blood.

:lol:

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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted

Math problem: √(20145X^32x125/√(23416)+132a/f(a)+f(a+20))=125X^23g(a)

-How the teacher see it: 2+2

-How the students see it: 去他媽的自己在你他媽的屁股你這個混蛋傢伙

-How the parents see it: GO BACK TO SCHOOL

HAGART wrote: If you were wondering what the flavour of glass is, I tried eating a piece. It tastes like blood.

It is the only that actually made me laugh.

I would have laughed at the glass one, but I had already heard it before. I thought the ignorance/apathy one was pretty witty and cool. I really enjoyed was guitar's, but only because the concept of outlaws intrigues me. People like jokes that mention things they like.

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I just thought of a good one:

The other day, I watched Godzilla. There was a lot of horrendous screeching as a hideous lizard threw a fit. Then my mother-in-law finally agreed on which one to watch, and we started the DVD.

It isn't that I don't get British jokes. I understand them, but I just can't find them funny. When I hear one I'm like "Aha.. I see. OK.".

:roll:

Desert Explorer wrote: ...British jokes...

I'm offended you don't like jokes from my homeland where we have the Queen on our money, police wear funny hats, and we speak in a strange accent.... you know... Canada! ----------------(read where I'm from)-------------> ;)

I wouldn't call them British. They're classic "bait and switch" jokes. (You think I was talking about one thing and meant another.)

I'm thinking the Godzilla one could use more, 'bait' before the 'switch'. That would build the story up so the unexpected punchline hits harder. I'll think about it. I over-think everything I create, including humour.

HAGART wrote:

Desert Explorer wrote: ...British jokes...

I'm offended you don't like jokes from my homeland where we have the Queen on our money, police wear funny hats, and we speak in a strange accent.... you know... Canada! ----------------(read where I'm from)-------------> ;)

I wouldn't call them British. They're classic "bait and switch" jokes. (You think I was talking about one thing and meant another.)

I'm thinking the Godzilla one could use more, 'bait' before the 'switch'. That would build the story up so the unexpected punchline hits harder. I'll think about it. I over-think everything I create, including humour.

I didn't even read your post, Hagart.

I was talking about some others in the thread. I really dislike them, they are all so.. linear.

HAGART wrote:

Desert Explorer wrote: ...British jokes...

I'm offended you don't like jokes from my homeland where we have the Queen on our money, police wear funny hats, and we speak in a strange accent.... you know... Canada! ----------------(read where I'm from)-------------> ;)

Oh you're originally from Great Britain? I'm half British myself. My dad's side of the family is from England. Though neither I or any of my american relatives have the accent except my Nana. She has a small accent.

(FACE PALM)

My jokes aren't working today. There's nothing worse than having to explain why a joke is funny, so I won't. I really hope someone chimes in and tells me they get it even if it's not funny, but at least understand what I was trying doing there.

HAGART wrote: (FACE PALM)

My jokes aren't working today. There's nothing worse than having to explain why a joke is funny, so I won't. I really hope someone chimes in and tells me they get it even if it's not funny, but at least understand what I was trying doing there.

Helloooo!!!!..

It's just not funny, alright?

I understood and thought it was funny. (No, Guitar, he's not originally from GB.) My only issue is that in-law jokes are a bit played-out these days. But it made me laugh! :D

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After careful research on paraprosdokians from tvtrops.org, learning about "the rule of three", and knowing that in-law jokes are too generic, I crafted a better version that scientifically speaking should be humorous. :geek:

The other day, I turned on the TV to watch a Godzilla movie. I saw a larger-than-life character screeching incoherent sounds as news reporters gawked in horror, helpless to stop the rampage on America. After the Sarah Palin speech, the movie started.

I'm offended you don't like jokes from my homeland where we have the Queen on our money, police wear funny hats, and we speak in a strange accent.... you know... Canada! ----------------(read where I'm from)-------------> ;)

• Haggart

You sound just like Minnesotans, when my family was up there Canadians all thought we were from Alberta :lol: You really need better coinage and to really declare your independence from Britain and nationalize all the crown lands in your country so do we need to.

Lame joke: I took a friend out snipe hunting and asked him to hold the bag, he said no you hold it.

I didn't know what "Snipe Hunting" was, so I had to look it up. (I think I get it... because both of them know it's a prank or something... I don't know.) I'll attempt my own horrendous joke now from what I learned in a 3 minute Wikipedia lesson about what it is:

**A group of camping college kids told a freshman to go Snipe Hunting, but to their disappointment, he only returned with a lousy Sasquatch. **

There was a little play on words there too, but it's horrid. I doubt any Snipe Hunt joke has ever been successful in the history of civilization!

Sometimes BAD jokes are GOOD fun though. :D

I agree that Canada needs to cut the umbilical cord from The Queen Mother. Humor is the best way to expose truth isn't it? Offensive comedians speak harsh truth, but overly-venerated politicians lie through their teeth.

HAGART wrote: If you were wondering what the flavour of glass is, I tried eating a piece. It tastes like blood.

I didn't find it funny, then I realized you meant glass. In my country, glass means ice cream and glas means glass.

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Dream Scout wrote:

HAGART wrote:If you were wondering what the flavour of glass is, I tried eating a piece. It tastes like blood.

I didn't find it funny, then I realized you meant glass. In my country, glass means ice cream and glas means glass.

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It would be crazy if ice cream tastes like blood.

That glass joke isn't my favorite one I made, and yet it's the most talked about. I kind of, sort of, stole it from a TV show I saw once, and adapted it into a joke in my own words. (Comedians steal all the time.)

But it's funny after you think about it. It's a thinking joke.

If you can word it better and share it with your friends, be my guest. Laughter is meant to be shared, not bottled.

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch."

One does not simply walk into more doors. mordoor dumbledoor Labradoor Gryffindoor

Don't take your teacher for granite; that's what tombstones are made of.

The whole world is watching, as well as some of the provinces of Canada.

OH SNAP! We're doing Canadian jokes now, eh?

Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian? A: A Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it properly.

Q: Who would win in a catfight between Celine Dion and Justin Bieber? A: We all would!

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/worldjokes/canadajokes.html (I changed the wording for them a little bit, and included Bieber to keep with the times.)

I am cracking up reading Karl Pilkington's "The Moaning of Life." He went to Tokyo to learn about the fertility blessings at the Kanamara Matsuri -- a festival which happens once a year at the Kanayama shrine in Kawasaki. He sees nobs everywhere and hears about the local legend behind the tradition.

Legend has it that there was a sharp-toothed demon who fell for a woman who did not requite his love. When the woman decided to marry a man, the demon was so jealous that he decided to move into her vagina (Pilkington comments: 'squatter's rights and all that').

The night before her wedding, the demon bit off the man's penis while the couple made love. This upset the entire village and prompted the local blacksmith to forge a steel dildo to trick the demon. The demon bit the fake penis, broke his teeth, and moved out of the woman's vagina for good.

Karl Pilkington adds, 'You could say she had an STD -- a Sharp-Toothed Demon.' LMAO! :-D

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This is an old one and you probably already know it.

What do you call 500 lawyers in the bottom of the ocean?

A good start..

If I would be a lawyer, I would still find it funny. I'm very confident about it.